I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
