I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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