I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
