you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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