if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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