So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
