An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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