I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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