My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
