"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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