John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I need to sanitize my soul.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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