All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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