just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
