ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
