Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
