This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
