i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
