my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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