yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
