she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
