Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Four minutes until I can fart!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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