I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
