I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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