This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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