I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
