Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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