My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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