Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
