She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
be right there i have to get my cape
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
