Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
