Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
