At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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