I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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