I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
