rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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