sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
