Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
