Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
