Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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