there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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