This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
