he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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