I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
