How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
