I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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