Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
