dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
