you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
