his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
