mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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