Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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