Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
