I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
